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With the recent mass stabbings in Pennsylvania, I suspect that it won’t be long before the usual suspects look for a political advantage, in addition to a photo-op, from the recent events.  They’ll stand before the cameras and opine about the dangers we all face and how only they can protect us. Here is what the press conference will sound like:

Average Joe politician- In the wake of the recent events in Pennsylvania I am calling on my fellow congresspersons to work in a bipartisan effort to come up with a bill that will prevent these senseless tragedies from ever occurring again. If we save only one life, we save the world. I’m confident that by working across the aisle we can craft legislation that will severely curtail the purchase and trafficking in all knives and in particular I am calling today for an all out ban on machetes and any butcher knife over twelve inches in length. I fully expect that the NKA will have their lobbyists out in full force to try to influence lawmakers, but I am confident that we will prevail. Thank you.

From here the calls will come to ban knives with a serrated edge, or any knife that looks military grade, and Swiss Army knives for anyone less than eighteen years of age. The penalties for violating these bans will range from stiff fines to imprisonment. Butchers will be the only ones allowed, with the proper license of course, to have butcher knives and only then within the prescribed size and shape limits. In order to purchase any knife, a person will have to go through extensive background checks and attend a mandatory twenty-four hour training class on proper knife handling.

The twenty-four hour news channels will spend hours dissecting the issue and will invite learned experts to add their unbiased opinions to the conversation. Here is what you can expect from CNN’s Newsroom (CNN loves to have correspondents and pundits with a British accent and here we are treated to a twofer):

Good evening, I’m Piers Morgan and this is the Newsroom. I am joined by Christiane Amanpour and we will be discussing the recent mass stabbings that occurred in Pennsylvania today. Christiane, what do we know about the tragedy.

Well Piers, it seems that a lone boy went on a rampage today in his school, stabbing what we now know to be twenty other students. The school was a designated “knife free zone” so it isn’t clear how the knife made it onto the school grounds. The authorities are investigating how he obtained the knife and if he had any previous violent outbursts.

Can you give us any indication as to his mental state? What do the authorities know at this point?

Good question Piers. At this point we have unconfirmed reports that the boy was an avid player of video games; specifically those that featured hand to hand combat and Ninja tactics. One unnamed source has indicated that the boy’s favorite movie is “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels” and he was known to quote from a character named Soap. One such quote, and it is quite disturbing, was “Guns for show, knives for a pro.” That seemed to be his favorite as many of his classmates have reported hearing him repeat it.  It is also being said that he was a quiet boy who kept to himself; a loner of sorts.

Christiane, wouldn’t those behaviors be considered red flags, warning signs as to his mental state. How could his mother not be concerned and alert the authorities.

Piers, not only did she not alert authorities, it seems that she also left knives lying around her kitchen; accessible to anyone. The authorities will be delving into her background and will be determining whether or not she is responsible enough to be the boy’s legal guardian. In this day and age, to not have your knives locked up is a real tragedy.

Yes it is Christiane. We must take a commercial break now, but after we return we will be talking to the esteemed Dr. Friedrich Von Stumpf, an expert on constitutional law who will discuss with us the intricacies of the second amendment and what the framers of the constitution had in mind when they penned the concept of the “right to bear arms”.

Welcome back everyone, I’m Piers Morgan and I’m joined by Christiane Amanpour, our international correspondent, and we have with us the constitutional law expert Dr. Friedrich Von Stumpf. Dr. Von Stumpf holds a masters and a PhD in international law from the University of Stuttgart and today we’ll be discussing the second amendment in lieu of the recent tragedy in Pennsylvania. Dr. Von Stumpf, when the founders wrote the second amendment, what exactly do you think they meant by the phrase, “bear arms”? Did they intend unfettered access to all weapons, including knives?

Piers, that is a good question indeed. You have to remember that this amendment was written over two hundred years ago. The founders could never have imagined a society like we live in today. The main purpose of the second amendment was to ensure that citizens could arm themselves in case of an invasion. It was never intended for citizens to bear arms for recreational purposes and there is much debate over how much protection is too much.

Dr. Von Stumpf, this is Christiane. Did the framers, by using the word “arms”, specifically mean that to include knives?

Well certainly some knives had to be included in their intentions, but today we see such a large variety of knives that they could never have envisioned. In those simpler times they could not have foreseen the huge machetes that can be bought at just about any sporting goods store around the country. Not to mention the military grade ka-bar knives popular with the hunting class.

Well, thank you Doctor. I personally don’t understand the typical American’s fascination with weapons and the way they cling to the second amendment. In my country, knives have been banned for the past thirty years. You don’t see mass stabbings in Britain. It doesn’t look like this controversy will be ending anytime soon. Join us tomorrow night as we grill the president of the National Knife Association and attempt to find out just where all those political donations come from and who benefits. This is Piers Morgan signing off. Good night.

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